It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
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