There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
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