Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
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