If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
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