Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
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