Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."