What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
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