Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."