There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.