I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
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