“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
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