As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
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