If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
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