Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

"Glow Worm"

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!

– Taylor Russell

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.