What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.