There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
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