It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.