I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?