What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
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