Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
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