Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
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