What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
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