Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

"Tom Tigercat"

Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.

Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.

– J. Patrick Lewis

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.