My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.