What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
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