Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
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