The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
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