You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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