Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
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