"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.