Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight

(Jan Allison)

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.