“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
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