Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

You know what they say? Words.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.

(Unknown)

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!