Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
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