Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
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