If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
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