Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
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