What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.