What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
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