"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the โfive-second ruleโ to a full ten seconds." โ Ron Piraro
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog." I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch. "What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other. "Just make a ton of noise," says the other. The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them. "I'll never talk."
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
โLook!โ she said. โI want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.โ
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
My 3 year old daughter came to me and asked: โMommy, where does poo come from?โ
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: โYou just had breakfast?โ
โYesโ, she replied.
โWell, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then whatโs left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.โ
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: โAnd Tigger?โ
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