A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives. The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there". The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..." The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do... My wife is having an affair with... (stops for dramatic effect) a horse!" The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation. Has he gone insane?! Has she?! What the heck was he talking about? The third man lies back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night, I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. "Gosh, I'd really like to help you..." He told the warden, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse... The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back. Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’ A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’ A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’ My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’ My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb. I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise? She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt. A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’ A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’ I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?" "Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens." "Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?" "Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards." Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be HIS father? "One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?" "Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was!" Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?" The old man rubs tears from his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

A woman's closet door was making terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside, so she called a carpenter to check it out. The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus is crossing the street and a loud creaking sound is heard coming from the closet. He can't believe it, so strange. "Hmmm..." says the carpenter to the wife. "How unusual. Perhaps if I sit inside before the next bus comes I can see what's making such a noise inside." The wife thinks it's a good idea, if sorry for his time. The carpenter goes inside the closet and gets comfortable, looking at the wood. A few minutes later the husband arrives home. While the wife is in the bathroom, he goes into the bedroom and opens the closet. To his shock, there's a man sitting inside! He throws a look to the bathroom, and then slowly turns his face to the carpenter with murder in his eyes. "What the heck are you doing in MY HOUSE, in MY CLOSET?" he growls ominously. "Ah, well..." the carpenter swallows nervously. "Would you believe me if I told you I'm waiting for the bus?"