Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes? He's herd them all.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep! Fortunately, I was only grazed.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?" And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long. At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
The Leather Worker
A leather worker was flying to Australia when his plan crashed. As bad luck would have it, he got separated from the rest of the floating passengers and found himself stranded on a small deserted island.
Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself.
With a steady supply of food, the leather worker knew it was time to find a way off the island. He decides to make a large canopy out of the cow's leather and used some leaves to spell out S.O.S that could easily be seen from above. A few days later, a passing plane spots the message, and calls a ship to rescue the man.
It just goes to show you that when all else fails, the best thing to do is to hide in plane sight.
Why did the elephant start the stampede? Because it wanted to be herd.
The Difference Between the Economies
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
A long time ago, when animals ruled the lands, a band of tortoises made its slow way from their old home, now turned too cold for them, to a new one down south.
Every night they went to sleep and left a guard to call if a predator shows up. Everything went fine until the third night, when Elvi the stuttering tortoise was put on guard duty.
In the middle of the night, he saw a fox, and he started calling out: "Ff...fff...ffff...." but before he could finish the warning, a fox came and snatched one of the tortoises away.
The rest of the tortoises were very angry with Elvi, and so they made him watch again the next night, warning him he better not repeat his mistake.
In the middle of the night, Elvi starts saying "W...wwww.wwwwwoo..." but before he could finish, a wolf comes and snatches another tortoise away.
Now the tortoises are livid. They tell poor Elvi that if this happens again, they will kill him themselves!
So the third night comes, and Elvi sees another fox, and so he calls out: "Ff... ffff... fooooxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!" He screams it so loud everyone wakes and they fight the fox away.
As a big thank you to Elvi and his keen eyesight, they gathered around him with praise.
He is so happy, he says: "Hip Hip!"
"Hooray!" they all cheer.
"Hooray, hooray hooray!!!"
And then a herd of hippos ran over them.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
A Blond Changes Hair Color
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"