What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.