Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!