What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.