Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.