A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
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