Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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