For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
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