Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.