What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
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