What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
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