My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
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