What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
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