Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
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