A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
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