A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
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