I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.