I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
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