How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
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