My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
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