Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
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