A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.