On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.