A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"