I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male