What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
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