One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
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