Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
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