What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
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