Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.