My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
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