My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
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