I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
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