For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
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