How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
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