You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"