Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.