I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
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