Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"