My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
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