What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.