Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”