A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone. Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number. “Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone. “You need all the practice you can get!”
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”. The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face. “What’s the matter,” he asks. “My wish didn’t work.” she replies. “How do you know already?” he enquires. “You’re still here.”
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.” Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.” “Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.” After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts. “Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”. The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.
You know you’re getting old when… You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
You know you’re getting old when… There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you’re getting old when… You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
You know you’re getting old when… When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
You know you’re getting old when… You sing along with the elevator music.
You know you’re getting old when… When happy hour is a nap.
You know you’re getting old when… Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You know you’re getting old when… You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
You know you’re getting old when… People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when… You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies,” Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When’s your birthday?
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one? No, they both burn shorter!