You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.