I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.