My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.