Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.