What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.