What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.