What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.