A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
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