What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
You know what they say? Words.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.