If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
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