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tcdsb elearning summer Jokes

tcdsb elearning summer Jokes and more.
Bear Puns
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Honesty ISN'T Always the Best Policy
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country with his father. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter - and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided that that was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Penguin Puns
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Pizza Puns
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Swimming Puns
Get in the swim this summer.
Summer is just floating by.
This summer is going swimmingly.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
The Mistresses Dilemma
It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?" "Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier."
The 16 Year Deal
On a warm summer night, a young lady entered the butcher shop with startling news for the butcher: The baby in her arms was his. Nonplussed, the butcher didn't know what to do, and eventually offered the only thing he thought he could - he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home, he told his mother what the butcher said. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years... then come back and tell me about the expression on his face!"
Fall Puns
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Peach Puns
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
The Miracle Man
The police detectives were having trouble determining whether or not their suspects were guilty. They just couldn't get them to confess. After hearing word of a telepath who is able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him. They bring the first suspect in, and instantly the man says, “This person has committed murder. He murdered a pizza man delivering to his house.” Speechless, the police start to think this man is the real deal. “He has to be telling the truth,” they say to each other. “We haven’t told him anything about the case.” They bring another suspect in, and instantly the man says, “this man is innocent, and has committed no crimes. He was framed of burglary by his next door neighbor, Bill Summers.” The cops are dumbfounded. “How does he know? We haven’t told him anything about the case!” The cops are a bit skeptical, and decide to make a little test. They bring in a beautiful woman they know to have not committed a felony. An officer enters the room with her, and instantly the man says, “This woman has committed theft.” The officer, knowing this is a lie, tell the man, “We knew it! We brought her in to truly test your abilities, and clearly you're a fraud!” They dismiss the woman. “I would catch up to her if I were you,” says the man. “And why is that?” Asks the officer. “Because she stole your wallet.”
Why is Daddy Special?
A father, mother and child went out to spend time on the beach on a hot summer's day, but as soon as they reached the beach they discovered that there was a black flag there, a sign not to enter the water. The boy really wanted to get in the water, but his mother did not agree and they stayed on the beach to rest in the sun and play in the sand. After a few minutes, the father got bored and turned to his wife: "Keep an eye on the boy, I'm going into the water, there's no way the sea is really that dangerous." After a few minutes the boy asked "Mom, why did you let dad get in the water and not me?" "Because you and father are two different people and there are things he can do and you can't." answered the mother. "Is it because dad knows how to swim really well?" continued the boy. "Not really" answered the mother. "Is it because dad is big and strong?" "No." "Then why is daddy allowed to enter the water and I'm not?" the boy complained. "Because daddy has life insurance."
Irish Puns
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Spring Puns
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Mole Puns
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Summer Puns
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Summer went swimmingly this year.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
I beacha miss summer already!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
Pineapple Puns
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Valentines Day Puns
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Funny Nature Quotes
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Knight Puns
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Sun Puns
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Food Pick Up Lines
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Weather Pick Up Lines
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Fish and Weddings
Two old friends went on a fishing trip and used the time away from home to complain about their wives. "Tell me something," one of them asked, "how come every year I forget my wedding anniversary, but my wife always remembers—and then gets mad at me?" "That's actually very easy to explain," the other replied. "Remember that summer before you got married? We went on a trip, and you caught the biggest fish of your life?" "Of course I do!" said the first. "How could I ever forget landing a catch like that?" "Well," said his friend, "just like in your case—trust me—the fish doesn’t remember a thing!"
Canadian Pick Up Lines
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
Chocolate Puns
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What Would You Do for 5000 Dollars?
2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands, Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor. As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn't help but notice that Jay's wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way. Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Kate followed him and asked, "Do you like what you see?" Surprised by her boldness, Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $10,000." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn't, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay's house to make love to Jay's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $10,000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised. Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Bob come by with my money?" With a lump in her throat, his wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, "And did he give you $10,000.00?" In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me a ten thousand dollars." Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Bob came by my office last night and borrowed 10 thousand dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Funny Summer Quotes
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”

- Ari Fishbein.
Sun Pick Up Lines
You're as hot as a desert summer.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Family Vacation Quotes
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Funny Winter Quotes
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Snow Puns
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Cheesy Pick Up Lines
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!