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rude limericks Jokes

rude limericks Jokes and more.
Strawberry Puns
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Puns
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Three Prosperous Sons Return Home to Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" "David," she said, "you were the only one who sent me a good gift, that chicken was delicious!"
The Rude Customer
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly beautiful waitress came to his table. "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then looks at her, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man looks at her and answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers... "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
Food Poems
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)
Funny Limericks
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Halloween Limericks
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Christmas Puns
How rude-olf of you.
Bone Puns
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Deer Puns
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Funny Running Quotes
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Travel Puns
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
One Liners for Kids
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Clever Jokes
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Unicorn Puns
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Nurse Puns
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Birthday Puns
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Tiger Puns
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Real Estate Puns
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Adam and the Witch
A man named Adam walked along a forest trail, when suddenly he was stopped by an evil looking crone, who calls herself a witch. The witch screeches at him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed!" Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!" Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
Horse Puns
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
History Puns
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Mother Puns
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Friendship Quotes
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Family Puns
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Eye Puns
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Shower Puns
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
The Rude Doctors
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready. A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body. He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations. When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Dolphin Puns
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Flamingo Puns
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Funny Tongue Twisters
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.