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august browne Jokes

august browne Jokes and more.
Insane Timing
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Cookie Puns
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Funny Family Quotes
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Funny Marriage Quotes
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
The Small Bells
It was a beautiful day in a big national park in Canada. A park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless." he says with a smile. "They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way." His tone turns serious. "However, GRIZZLY bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately!” “So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
Color Puns
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Roses are Red Violets are Blue Jokes
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Anti Jokes
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Weird Temperatures
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
Funny Money Quotes
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Funny Parenting Quotes
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Funny Animal Poems That Rhyme
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)
Funny Work Quotes
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Her Husband's Great Idea
It was George the Mailman’s last day. As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars. But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blond wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind. She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns. George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup. Curious, he asks the blond, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?” “Oh,” says the blond, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’ She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was MY idea!”
Funny Tongue Twisters
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
A Blonde By Any Other Name
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV." But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked. "Because that's a microwave."
Piano Puns
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws
Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favourite! Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.
To Each Their Own Car...
Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers. The first guy says, "I'm a pimp and so I drive a cheap Escort." The second guy says, "I'm a herpetologist and so I drive a Dodge Viper." The third guy says, "I'm a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe."
Funny Limericks
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
You're in Trouble Now...
After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'
Onion Puns
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
A Lift in the Desert
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with quiet wisdom, she said, 'Good trade.'
Food puns
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Canadian Pick Up Lines
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Funny Poems
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)
Cow Puns
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Pick Up Lines
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
The Dirty Blinds
A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window. Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get them to do something about it. In fact, you must- for I won't stand for it any longer." "I'll tell you what," says the man as he peers through the window beside her; "I'll see what I can do." The following morning, she approaches him, beaming. "I can't believe it. The blinds. They're all immaculate. What did you say to them?" "Nothing." he says "I just cleaned the window."
Chocolate Puns
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
The Remakrable Native American
150 years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Injun?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Native American looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon! Remarkable! How do you do it?!?" The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The 2.99 Special
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
One Liners and Short Jokes
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Fall Puns
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
The Missing Wife
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk. Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!" Sergeant: "What is her height?" Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sergeant: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sergeant: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sergeant: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?" Sergeant: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my Jeep." Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?" Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown) The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
One Liners for Kids
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Funny Love Poems
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)
Meat Puns
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Pear Puns
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Preparing.”
Quotes
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Potato Puns
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!