"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel