“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown