“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan