What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.