The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre