It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.