If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.