Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
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