A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.