There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.