Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny

Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?

- Paul Curtis

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”