Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed