Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
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