Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
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