What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
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