How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!