Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.