If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.