It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

"The Vulture"

The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

– Hilaire Belloc