How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
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