It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.

Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.

I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!

(Unknown)

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.